I have finally filed the paperwork for me to officially become one of Sasha's parents. The set of papers the court needs (or at least asks for) is outdated and occasionally bizarre. Because the law hasn't caught up with family realities, Nerdy is considered both the birth parent and the adoptive parent for the proceeding. The problem is that she has to submit papers as though she was giving up her child to some unknown person and as though she was about to become a mother for the first time through adoption, having not known Sasha before. This makes the requirements twice as offensive and often contradictory.
For example, as the birth mother, she had to sign an Adoption Information form giving (or refusing) Sasha permission to find out her identity once he turns 18. She also had to list Sasha as a child born out-of-wedlock with the Putative Father Registry; this means if some guy thinks he may have knocked up Nerdy, he can check the registry to find out if she had a kid and is secretly putting it up for adoption. Seriously. The clerk told me that we can also submit a letter from the cryogenic lab (aka sperm bank) stating we were clients. But that paper has no legal significance and we would still have to list Sasha as an out-of-wedlock birth for the public files.
So on the other hand, because she is also the adoptive parent, she, along with me, had to get fingerprinted at our local precinct and cleared with the state's Child Abuse Registration. We both need to submit medical certificates stating we're in good enough health to adopt a child. We also have to hire a social worker to visit our home and write a report approving our household for the court. And the social worker needs her own list of papers from us, not least of which are written recommendations from our friends!
As I write this, I'm getting ticked off all over again at how stupid and insulting this process is and again asking, why are we even doing this? But then I think about how I took Sasha to the doctor this week and, sitting in the waiting room, I'm hoping nothing too bad is wrong because I have no authority to make medical decisions on his behalf. Then I'm glad we're doing it because too much depends on a piece of paper to disregard it.
This is beyond outrageous! But I am glad you are doing it. Even though I sat through 3 days of labor so I know who the parents of this child are- it is always best to have things written down.
ReplyDeleteWhat an amazingly hurtful labyrinth they make you go through. Good goddess, when will they change it?! I'm sorry it's been so difficult, but you're right--you need the paper so you can make decisions on his behalf and legally be one of his Moms!! By the way, did the doctor find anything wrong with the poor fella? Hang in there!
ReplyDeleteHoly. Crap. Ditto what everyone else says. Overall it sucks, but well worth it in the end. And just think, some day when Sasha is getting sassy with you, you can pull the ol' "Mama went through 3 days of labor and a C-section for you and I filled out bureaucratic BS paperwork for a year, not to mentioned got fingerprinted and had my life held up to a microscope so you better not think you can get sassy with me!!!!!!!" card.
ReplyDeleteBeyond outrageous is right. But it is really important, and I'm sooo glad that you've taken care of it. This (lesbian Moms, and even fertility clinics/procedures/IVF) is really a new frontier, and I hope you're proud to be a part of it. Before recent times I never even considered children, because it just wasn't done by lesbians (like it is today). Now I'm meeting more and more lesbian mothers and families, and have realized that I also want that and can have it. You and Sasha are trailblazers, and improving things for us all. Thank you, and Congratulations!
ReplyDeleteWell said, Wendy!
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